Nervousness seeps into me like purple hope in a jar. Its not healthy to want her this much. My body is heavy from her touch. She won’t trust the love I poured down her gates. She’s royalty and I am just a jape. She deserves a good fuck like the one I couldn’t give her. I’m not enough . And I’m stuck . living in a lot searching for her touch again. My pennies ran outta luck again. My penis can’t stay hard again. Can’t pretend the fire didn’t brim. The closet didn’t win. The fear didn’t slim passed vocal cord mountain high big game attempts to forget about the stress it takes to please her. I am a coward. I don’t share. Don’t dare embarrass my sense of man, husband, or male. Won’t ask won’t tell about the depression in my clothes and underwear. Crimes of a bed unspoken. Rather be broken , broken hearted, bomb me away than feel like I’ll never have a chance again. I go for walks everyday now because I can’t contain the stress struggling for breath within my veins. She came over yesterday evening to destroy me and patience. She said she knew not why she dropped by. And I know why. And I dropped an eye into vapor.She’s a succubus . She came in the end to finish the dead man’s chest and walk into oblivion.
Life is a trip on the wild side. So many emotions to contain in this vessel meant to sweat and shit and jizz and spit. No wonder it never felt better to utter. Mistakes and failures fuel this rock let the pain be enough to never give up. Never surrender in this galaxy quest. Sagan calmly said We are all made of star stuff . Nitrogen, Oxygen, and carbon. Why then must we be afraid of anything made of this stuff? It is your brother and your sister it is your transgender friend. They shake, breathe, and exists just like everyone and everything. And if you do cease to exists make damn sure you never wasted a kiss, a hug, or a handshake. You’ll regret those most of all. A good kiss hug or handshake always has the potential to rise from the ashes like a Phoenix. So go! Fly and Roar! 2020 can still be everything and more.
I have not weighed myself since last week. It’s no use in doing so because those were the kind of habits that got me in trouble last time. The number on the scale doesn’t matter as long as you’re consistent. Walking everyday and making healthier choices. Over and over again without end. I can definitely feel myself becoming a better me. It’s a slow and struggling process but with the current state of my affairs I have nothing to lose. Every day is a new day and to say it’s hard would be an understatement. I don’t separate good and bad in days . I separate them in hours. Right now I’m struggling with life and my weight but I won’t give up. I’ve always been that guy who reads a room and adjust accordingly to the people in it. If it’s quiet it needs a comedian, if it’s loud it needs an active attentive listener. This could be why I’ve always felt like an outsider. I could never just be a guy in the room. I’m babbling on to say we all know this is probably the worst collective year in all our lives. There’s already enough misery in the world. What carries me on is knowing I can only control my attitude during these times. I choose positivity, love, and patience. The world has enough assholes already and even though I have asshole tendencies I am mostly good. I think.
Happy Friday June 26th 2020.
Currently watching Blue Valentine. It sucks any decent life left in tranquility . Anti marriage movies were all the youthful rage 2010 required. But the rage ten years later ten years wiser all the more destructive and aimless is apropos. July 4th is almost near . Queer how last year joy and fireworks converged at the corner of 164th and Jerome. Mullaly Park made happiness possible if only for an hour. Car parked at an illegal corner, no matter, no problems. Only love could entertain such color. Wild and possible. Loud and dangerous. Absorbing the tentacles of the light show. Who knows where all the fire goes after the slumber? Did Cupid take back the arrow? Is the light show to return? Or is this to remain somber a constant reminder of that which was lost? The day is a wonderful bother mired in sun frozen in white clouds shifting into hats, cities, and cats. Every shift is a fist on a mirror. Don’t look back! Every shatter makes it clearer!
I can hear it. Calling. The song in the movie where Ryan Gosling starts strumming the ukelele singing the mills brothers as Michelle Williams starts tap dancing, “you always hurt the ones you love, the ones you shouldn’t hurt at all, you always take the sweetest rose And crush it till the petals fall You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can’t recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It’s because I love you most of all”. I am such a successful sucker for regret. Pour me a cup of tea and let the bitterness flow and float like a baby. I just saw a kid not much older than 17 on a bike pedaling on with no hands on the wheel not caring at all. All too preoccupied with the phone call he’s on. As he’s going through my block running red lights I watch him. I heard him say “you know I always…” and his words drifted away with the heat on the concrete and the speed of his emotions. As he left the frame. I know what he wanted to say. The cracks in his voice gave a great speech about loneliness and loss aversion. It’s my favorite kind of speech. I hope you will be okay random kid.
My life dangles on a string and I at anytime am bound to fall apart. Me and my immediate family feel so much but never address anything. We are as quiet as the silence before the thunder storm. It’s clear I don’t want to address anything right now but I hope you can see my vagueness is wrapped in sadness. I just saw my mother cry. She’s most happy most of the time but she says she feels something is wrong. I am so much like her. Living life so intuitively and instinctively and spiritually. When we feel something is wrong it’s hard to break us out of it but in a strange way she’s usually correct. I always forget that life doesn’t revolve around me and that we’re all going through something. I pray that we can make it work. I pray for her not for me. I don’t believe in Jesus like most people. God works in mysterious ways and I literally have his name but I’m a none believer. My mother’s faith makes me believe sometimes but her sadness doesn’t. The devastation in her eyes made me hug her for the first time in a long time. I feel like a bad son most of the time. It’s that immigrant guilt that shames me and motivates me. I walked today for an hour my Smartwatch said I reached my goal for the day. I definitely don’t think I’m through. This Lipton tea fucking sucks. My feet hurt and my hamstrings hurt even more . I can’t stop. One must walk before they run. I’m honestly trying to escape all my problems through forward motion. I can’t stop. My stomach won’t tolerate it. My eyes couldn’t take it. My soul wouldn’t bear it.
The one thing I will ask of you is the hardest thing to do. Love Yourself. There are way too many times we give ourselves to negative thoughts. The brain gets bored. It feels the need to fuck with you. You ever been walking down the street and out of nowhere your mind starts to recall that time you got embarrassed on stage in junior high? or that other time you throw up or shitted on yourself? That happens to me all the time. Every weird embarrassing conversation, thought, or moment randomly comes up for air from time to time. Don’t let your brain get you down. It’s just bored. From an evolutionary standpoint your thoughts are there to keep you alive. Think about all the people who died in the cavemen days just so you could be here bored living in the most peaceful time ever. Think about all the people who had to died in order for us to know which plants were poisonous in the jungle. Comfort yourself in knowing we still have a monkey brain. No matter how advanced we think we are with technology and science your brain evolved to remind you, You Aint Shit! It’s Thursday! Feel better already! I was born on a thursday. knowing this always brings me joy. Life doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. If you’re feeling depressed like I’ve been all the time. This might pass you by. but don’t be fooled by the fool in the mirror. You are your own worst enemy. No one hates you more than you. No one criticizes you more than you. Your a Fucking Troll. We must learn how to work on ourselves like it’s a 9 to 5. Commit to yourself. Know yourself. and please just try to limit bashing yourself 100 times a day instead of your usual 100 thousand.
[…] Today’s word is ShadowsWritten for The Daily Spur: https://thedailyspur.wordpress.com/2020/06/24/shadows/ […]
My shadow fights her
I keep trying
to move on from the curse
Of broken heart
Even 10:09pm hurts
We flew together like birds.
Looks came together like clockwork
Meant for each other.
Like a wave and surfboard
like a bad weather on my surfboard
wasn’t called for
Phone kept ringing til my eyes sore
more quiet than what I could chew
I smelled of regrets
her silence spoke the rest.
I started trashing things. I started realizing how asleep I’ve been in my life. I’ve watched too much television. Anticipated too many seasons of Game of Thrones and Scandal. Saved so many things to do later. Where have I been? What have I been doing? I honestly couldn’t tell you. One because I can’t remember most of my life because I suffer from an undiagnosed rare form of memory loss. I only remember when people did me dirty and not through images but through feeling. Two because most of my life I live in my head going through scenarios upon scenarios of events that did not happen. There is an endless movie going on in my head and I can’t seem to turn it off. They say life imitates art sometimes and I wonder if the way I do it is by being a bystander in mine. Too much talk not enough action. A kind of voyeurism of self. I love movies, or at least I used too. I worked in a movie theatre for 6 years. Many of the things I threw away just now were things from my past life. Posters of Deadpool from years ago that I never put up. Pin and toys exclusive to Amc theatres some still in the plastic wrapper. I haven’t even looked up to see if it has any value left and frankly I don’t care. It has lost all value with me as of today. my heart is broken and maybe when I’m better I’ll share but hopefully by then I ignored my feelings long enough to get over it. She said I was crazy. She said I make her feel disposable so of course she decided to dispose of me in the worst way possible. The modern way of ghosting of course. I write her on every platform possible call her and leave her voicemails to no avail. But that’s enough of that I don’t want to seem like I’m the victim here, I probably deserved it. This is my second blog of the day so I’m definitely happy about that. I could go years without writing something and like I said earlier I have a writer’s brain. I think too much. I can’t write for shit. But my thoughts bask so much in its own black hole I constantly have to smack myself out of it. I am calmer than usual though. It’s probably the Acid I did on saturday. I’m still trying to decide everything that this blog will be. definitely mostly personal. Definitely always searching for truth and peace of mind. I’ll masquerade it as a weight-loss journey but it’s more than that. It’s my life and my hope to be better.
Last Time I actually posted something I had so much hope.
Last time I wrote something I wanted to change. There is so much to say about intentions and reality. The reality was I never really committed to my life before. I understood the necessary changes that needed to take place in order to get more pussy but that’s about it. To be honest I’ve never been one to receive enough attention from cats. Never had enough meows to brag to the fellas about. What is that magical number of felines? I wish I knew. Perhaps if I knew I wouldn’t be so confused as to what happened in my life. I’m thirty now but I feel physically fifty and mentally ten. My girlfriend left me again recently so now I’m forced to reflect on the whole of my existence. I get lazy. I get depressed. I get jealous. I compare myself to others in the worst kind of envy. I am my own worst enemy most of the time, as I can only assume most of us are. I am hopeful I can somehow turn this all around. I am starting a weight loss journey again. This time with a little more self-reflection, self-help books, and a little more sadness. The perfect combination I hope. But I also want this to be more than just a weight-loss journey because it’s not the only thing I want. We live in the information age. All things are figureoutable on google and at the library. We all know what they say. They say love yourself before anybody else. They say meditate. They say exercise at least 30 minutes a day. They say social media is not the answer. All I can do is try. Try and try again until I fail enough to get it right. There lies my ultimate truth. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of failing even though I know it’s the only way to get better at anything. I’ve lived my life too cool. Too preoccupied with being cool and ended up quietly not doing anything at all. I am a work in progress. I hope I have the strength to continue sharing with the world wide web. I hope this reaches someone like me who needs to get smacked in the face by life. I am currently 235.8 pounds. I was 250 not too long ago but being dumped made me eat less. I am no longer comfortable in inadequacy. 2020 is a horrible year but we can’t let it get the best of us. Just like Samuel Beckett said, ” Try again, Fail again, Fail better”.
Today is March 1, I woke today turned on Netflix and put on Dirty Money. Finished episode 1, then switched over to Hulu to enjoy Vikings season 4. But then I stopped.just like that. and I asked my brother to play basketball with me because the day had a decent weather of 55 degrees. He recorded most of it. I got tired quickly. Seeing myself on camera is not a pleasant experience. Since today is the beginning of the month, it’s a great metaphor for change. Lets start today as the first day of the rest of my life. One filled with a greater sense of self awareness and the courage to consistently fight for what I want. I won’t say like I usually say “let’s see how long I last” . I won’t stop until I accomplish this day dream to be physically fit and not be tired to play basketball 5 minutes in. this is me today after coming home from shooting around with my brother for about an hour. Today I am 200lbs .
This is my older brother kicking my ass. He plays his role well. I consider myself a good player like all basketball players but sometimes you have to face the facts. Don’t get me wrong I belong on the court, but only for like the first 10 minutes til I catch a sweat, or should I say til the sweat catches me.
This is my declaration to smack my fears this year and worry less about how stupid I look. I have been living my life like there’s a guy with a notebook always next to me. The guy with the notebook only has one job to do and that is to watch me live my life and score my coolness. Every time I do something stupid or “cool” I look over and see him grading me. For most of my life if I’m losing cool points I tend to hide within myself. Most likely I’m standing next to him and his notebook trying to apologize or explain myself like NBA players do with referees and he’s probably going to give me a tech for arguing. This year 2018 I’m making a declaration to change my ideas of coolness. I’m pushing the guy and his notebook to the side. These ideas of not looking foolish and not excelling at things might have become a believe system that I need to rebel against. Long live the inherent dignity of my life! In all the things that matter love, sex, art, and fitness.