Another week goes by in my journey for self-betterment. It’s still a struggle of course. My patterns for laziness and my obsession with quick results are working hand in hand to make my life miserable. It’s about to be phase 4 here in New York. I’ve stopped paying attention to the news so I don’t know what that means. I find myself needing the gym theses days. I strangely want the gym at the most inconvenient times even before the pandemic. I used to want to go to the gym when it was closed. I used to beg the fitness gods to built me a gym walking distance from my house. A few years ago the gods granted me that wish with a planet fitness right by my house. Unfortunately I never went. I seem to keep fooling myself into thinking the gym is what I need. In reality anyone can get a good workout from home. If judgement day ever comes for me I’d like it to say I always tried my best. Dane Cook just flash through my head “I did my best, I did my best!”. Inside joke for anyone who saw his Vicious Circle comedy special. I hope everyone is doing great out there and yes I’m obviously trying to deflect because I put so much pressure on myself to succeed and its exhausting. This journey is conjuring up all the horrible childhood memories I never addressed at the time. Now these bad habits are getting harder and harder to get rid of at my age. A perfect example being, not finishing what I started. There have been way too many countless times in my life where I never finished a book I started or even something simple like homework,which i rarely turned in. and I mean not finishing books that I actually wanted to read,the perfect metaphor for my current situation. FYI, I can be really negative sometimes just go with it. I haven’t thought about this fact in years but it took me 5 years to graduate high school and I hate that about me. I know everyone learns at there own pace and blah blah blah but being different in the standardized school system makes me feel like a bigger joke. I know I have to stop moping around but do you ever feel like your life passed you by? have you felt asleep most of your life like me? What a sick joke the universe is playing on me. I remember wasting away in my room doing nothing productive for hours and hours and hours. so much so that the concept of life being short would throw me in a rage because I knew I was wasting away my teenage years and most of my twenties. Yet knowing this so young I still did nothing. youth is really fucking wasted on the young. now I’m running around trying to catch up to some unknown glory with the mentally of a 15 year old and the body a 30 year old. It’s like the reverse of 15 going on 30 which is probably true for women but for men like me its in reverse its more like 30 going on 15.