waiting for things to calm down in your brain for the small chance of days similar to before. a reciprocated love war. afraid of being afraid,are we? you’ve given up trying to fix my fuck ups, have we? ran the course of all scenarios to rearrange this? Tomorrow truly may never come. these days are an embarrassment. they store emotions like a shopping center. pick up shame and get restlessness and endless waiting for free. They shame the deals that came before. These days are worse than ever before. Don’t become bitter. Don’t start a war. constant reminders in the mirror. don’t bicker with her. Learn to love yourself first. be like glitter. Learn to love more. The world has enough poor devils living their own personal hells. If fire burned out it wasn’t worth the flame. Start another. try again. Start a bigger one. It’s never over. if you want to try again. get yourself in order and try again. She’s done it again. pretended with silence that she isn’t making a mistake. 2 days ago she told me she loved me so much. but yesterday she left nothing. If its lust let it be. let it be us undressed in your bed dead chasing our shortness of breath drowning in sweat from the best sex we’ve ever had. call the morgue and let it be our story. sex wont fix this but it will fix my sadness. I’ll take it and steal it run away with it as fast as I can. 2 days ago she asked “what if we could only fuck one last time, one last night?” Oh the number 1 . Her favorite number. The scariest number. If its true, i wouldn’t be able to. I took it at first like a cute little joke, but then it became real. I picture myself in the hotel room on Saturday crying and begging and leaving. apologizing for my weakness. I want more from her than just her body. I need more from her than just her body. I need the same constant security that she needs. the same love she needs. the same attention she needs. The same patience she bleeds for. so I wait. I wait. til I’m in a marriage. I wait til I have children. I wait til I make her jealous. I wait til I make more money. and I’ll wait a little more then til I dissipate into a sweet meaningless lonely nothing.