I started trashing things. I started realizing how asleep I’ve been in my life. I’ve watched too much television. Anticipated too many seasons of Game of Thrones and Scandal. Saved so many things to do later. Where have I been? What have I been doing? I honestly couldn’t tell you. One because I can’t remember most of my life because I suffer from an undiagnosed rare form of memory loss. I only remember when people did me dirty and not through images but through feeling. Two because most of my life I live in my head going through scenarios upon scenarios of events that did not happen. There is an endless movie going on in my head and I can’t seem to turn it off. They say life imitates art sometimes and I wonder if the way I do it is by being a bystander in mine. Too much talk not enough action. A kind of voyeurism of self. I love movies, or at least I used too. I worked in a movie theatre for 6 years. Many of the things I threw away just now were things from my past life. Posters of Deadpool from years ago that I never put up. Pin and toys exclusive to Amc theatres some still in the plastic wrapper. I haven’t even looked up to see if it has any value left and frankly I don’t care. It has lost all value with me as of today. my heart is broken and maybe when I’m better I’ll share but hopefully by then I ignored my feelings long enough to get over it. She said I was crazy. She said I make her feel disposable so of course she decided to dispose of me in the worst way possible. The modern way of ghosting of course. I write her on every platform possible call her and leave her voicemails to no avail. But that’s enough of that I don’t want to seem like I’m the victim here, I probably deserved it. This is my second blog of the day so I’m definitely happy about that. I could go years without writing something and like I said earlier I have a writer’s brain. I think too much. I can’t write for shit. But my thoughts bask so much in its own black hole I constantly have to smack myself out of it. I am calmer than usual though. It’s probably the Acid I did on saturday. I’m still trying to decide everything that this blog will be. definitely mostly personal. Definitely always searching for truth and peace of mind. I’ll masquerade it as a weight-loss journey but it’s more than that. It’s my life and my hope to be better.