I discovered my mantra today while at the Dentist office. Don’t laugh at me it really worked. In my recent past I aspired to practice Nichiren Buddhism, and thank god I stopped picking up their calls because I didn’t have the courage to tell them “Nam Myoho Renge Kyo” didn’t work for me. October is kind of a psychological problem for me and an existential one if I may add. I’m always messed up about my birth month so it makes sense why I found my something to cope finally. Dr.A is my first official dentist of my own choosing, the other ones were nice because they gave me candy at the end. Dr. A is a good looking young Nigerian from Atlanta and he’s gentle enough, so I’m not going to say it was because he was killing my teeth because he wasn’t. Mantras come to us unexpectedly or at least the really good ones do. This one is my first ever so I’m pleasantly excited. The more I repeated the words the more everything just drifted away. It’s like that moment from Rocky when he’s getting beat up really bad and his corner has him repeat “no pain, no pain” . Since I loved the Rocky movies as a kid I’m going to cough it up as cryptomnesia. “Take the pain” soothes me, it acknowledges that my depression is real and my pain is real. How do you deal with pain? I do nothing . I let time pass until my body and mind heals itself, I’m practically almost a vegan if that makes any sense. Most of my pain comes from broken hearts, poverty, and the occasional Bathroom session. I know “take the pain” sounds like something you tell yourself while you get fucked up the ass. But all Im saying is if it works for you be sure to send me a thank you.
It has been more than a month since I shared myself on the web. I guess it’s that time of the month again so I better bleed the blackest blood into these words. my silence on the triple w is equal to my own existence sometimes. It funny how I act in person or even how some would describe me in person is completely different than my writings. The masks I display in public can be very convincing. I wonder if we’re all destined to be this lonely or even this false. I’ve been feeling like a failure again because I can’t seem to match my own ideals of living a health life. I was dead without my girlfriend only 2 months ago and thank god we have made up since then because I’m addicted to her. but we’re not perfect and we’re niggaz from the Bronx. We are Spanish niggas from the Bronx unable to deal with ourselves in our current situation. Unable to deal with our emotions and yet we still find a way to love each other but we’re toxic because for too long we’ve lived in a toxic environment. It seeps through our clothes even when we go to work in the city and have to be amongst civilized people. we’re the savages from uptown. we don’t belong there or anywhere. we don’t even belong amongst our own. We’re the peasant class, the lost ones, the untouchables, the dirty niggas from over there, we even kill each other from time to time. but we love each other like nobody’s business and we make each other cry at the same time. Who else are you gonna treat like shit worse than the ones you love? The answer of course is no one, like Alicia Keys is singing it to me.
Another week goes by in my journey for self-betterment. It’s still a struggle of course. My patterns for laziness and my obsession with quick results are working hand in hand to make my life miserable. It’s about to be phase 4 here in New York. I’ve stopped paying attention to the news so I don’t know what that means. I find myself needing the gym theses days. I strangely want the gym at the most inconvenient times even before the pandemic. I used to want to go to the gym when it was closed. I used to beg the fitness gods to built me a gym walking distance from my house. A few years ago the gods granted me that wish with a planet fitness right by my house. Unfortunately I never went. I seem to keep fooling myself into thinking the gym is what I need. In reality anyone can get a good workout from home. If judgement day ever comes for me I’d like it to say I always tried my best. Dane Cook just flash through my head “I did my best, I did my best!”. Inside joke for anyone who saw his Vicious Circle comedy special. I hope everyone is doing great out there and yes I’m obviously trying to deflect because I put so much pressure on myself to succeed and its exhausting. This journey is conjuring up all the horrible childhood memories I never addressed at the time. Now these bad habits are getting harder and harder to get rid of at my age. A perfect example being, not finishing what I started. There have been way too many countless times in my life where I never finished I book I started or even something simple like homework,which i rarely turned in. and I mean not finishing books that I actually wanted to read,the perfect metaphor for my current situation. FYI, I can be really negative sometimes just go with it. I haven’t thought about this fact in years but it took me 5 years to graduate high school and I hate that about me. I know everyone learns at there own pace and blah blah blah but being different in the standardized school system makes me feel like a bigger joke. I know I have to stop moping around but do you ever feel like your life passed you by? have you felt asleep most of your life like me? What a sick joke the universe is playing on me. I remember wasting away in my room doing nothing productive for hours and hours and hours. so much so that the concept of life being short would throw me in a rage because I knew I was wasting away my teenage years and most of my twenties. Yet knowing this so young I still did nothing. youth is really fucking wasted on the young. now I’m running around trying to catch up to some unknown glory with the mentally of a 15 year old and the body a 30 year old. It’s like the reverse of 15 going on 30 which is probably true for women but for men like me its in reverse its more like 30 going on 15.
waiting for things to calm down in your brain for the small chance of days similar to before. a reciprocated love war. afraid of being afraid,are we? you’ve given up trying to fix my fuck ups, have we? ran the course of all scenarios to rearrange this? Tomorrow truly may never come. these days are an embarrassment. they store emotions like a shopping center. pick up shame and get restlessness and endless waiting for free. They shame the deals that came before. These days are worse than ever before. Don’t become bitter. Don’t start a war. constant reminders in the mirror. don’t bicker with her. Learn to love yourself first. be like glitter. Learn to love more. The world has enough poor devils living their own personal hells. If fire burned out it wasn’t worth the flame. Start another. try again. Start a bigger one. It’s never over. if you want to try again. get yourself in order and try again. She’s done it again. pretended with silence that she isn’t making a mistake. 2 days ago she told me she loved me so much. but yesterday she left nothing. If its lust let it be. let it be us undressed in your bed dead chasing our shortness of breath drowning in sweat from the best sex we’ve ever had. call the morgue and let it be our story. sex wont fix this but it will fix my sadness. I’ll take it and steal it run away with it as fast as I can. 2 days ago she asked “what if we could only fuck one last time, one last night?” Oh the number 1 . Her favorite number. The scariest number. If its true, i wouldn’t be able to. I took it at first like a cute little joke, but then it became real. I picture myself in the hotel room on Saturday crying and begging and leaving. apologizing for my weakness. I want more from her than just her body. I need more from her than just her body. I need the same constant security that she needs. the same love she needs. the same attention she needs. The same patience she bleeds for. so I wait. I wait. til I’m in a marriage. I wait til I have children. I wait til I make her jealous. I wait til I make more money. and I’ll wait a little more then til I dissipate into a sweet meaningless lonely nothing.
Happy Strange Sunday. It’s a day after July 4th the American Independence Day. Thank god it’s over. My instagram feed was filled with fireworks and parties and bbqs and a whole bunch of criticism of America, land of the free, and slavery. I’m glad a lot of people I know didn’t forget about the recent protests this country was going through. I even wonder why we can’t move faster in making the changes we want politically. But great change takes time they say. I just hope we don’t have to wait another 100 years for it. I’m reminded of Issac Newton and his laws of motion which applies to pretty much everything. The first law specifically is the law of Inertia. Which means an object remains at rest or at a constant velocity unless a new kind of force comes along and stops it, slows it down or accelerates it. There has always been police brutality that is definitely a constant and the coronavirus definitely assisted in the explosion of these protests world wide. Assisted by the unemployment rates which hit numbers none of us have ever seen in our lifetimes. I just hope when things go back to normal we won’t forget the power of the people and the need to fight for a better world. A good economy keeps people divided and unaware. I hate to say this but I hope things get worse because it’s the only way I’ve ever seen so many people united against injustice. Imagine what other changes we could fight for. The police murdering black people is just one of many issues.
I had the most unfortunate turn of events… I actually weighed myself today. I was feeling too happy on my high horse. It said I was 228.1 pounds. It’s a victory but I cheated on myself. I should never get my hopes too high because that’s exactly what gets me into trouble. There is something about pain and struggle that keeps me focused. And I’d rather stay that way. Many times before I’d get a little happy and start eating carbs and pancakes and snacks all because I told myself. I deserve it. Bullshit. I absolutely don’t deserve it. I must stay focused. This weight won’t lose itself. If only there was a pill I could take. Or catch some weird virus that causes me to lose weigh the more I eat. My entire life it feels like I’ve always had bad relationship with food. I was always the fat one in the family. Even when I wasn’t really fat. My self image needs work. I need work. But I expect more from myself!
Nervousness seeps into me like purple hope in a jar. Its not healthy to want her this much. My body is heavy from her touch. She won’t trust the love I poured down her gates. She’s royalty and I am just a jape. She deserves a good fuck like the one I couldn’t give her. I’m not enough . And I’m stuck . living in a lot searching for her touch again. My pennies ran outta luck again. My penis can’t stay hard again. Can’t pretend the fire didn’t brim. The closet didn’t win. The fear didn’t slim passed vocal cord mountain high big game attempts to forget about the stress it takes to please her. I am a coward. I don’t share. Don’t dare embarrass my sense of man, husband, or male. Won’t ask won’t tell about the depression in my clothes and underwear. Crimes of a bed unspoken. Rather be broken , broken hearted, bomb me away than feel like I’ll never have a chance again. I go for walks everyday now because I can’t contain the stress struggling for breath within my veins. She came over yesterday evening to destroy me and patience. She said she knew not why she dropped by. And I know why. And I dropped an eye into vapor.She’s a succubus . She came in the end to finish the dead man’s chest and walk into oblivion.
Life is a trip on the wild side. So many emotions to contain in this vessel meant to sweat and shit and jizz and spit. No wonder it never felt better to utter. Mistakes and failures fuel this rock let the pain be enough to never give up. Never surrender in this galaxy quest. Sagan calmly said We are all made of star stuff . Nitrogen, Oxygen, and carbon. Why then must we be afraid of anything made of this stuff? It is your brother and your sister it is your transgender friend. They shake, breathe, and exists just like everyone and everything. And if you do cease to exists make damn sure you never wasted a kiss, a hug, or a handshake. You’ll regret those most of all. A good kiss hug or handshake always has the potential to rise from the ashes like a Phoenix. So go! Fly and Roar! 2020 can still be everything and more.
I have not weighed myself since last week. It’s no use in doing so because those were the kind of habits that got me in trouble last time. The number on the scale doesn’t matter as long as you’re consistent. Walking everyday and making healthier choices. Over and over again without end. I can definitely feel myself becoming a better me. It’s a slow and struggling process but with the current state of my affairs I have nothing to lose. Every day is a new day and to say it’s hard would be an understatement. I don’t separate good and bad in days . I separate them in hours. Right now I’m struggling with life and my weight but I won’t give up. I’ve always been that guy who reads a room and adjust accordingly to the people in it. If it’s quiet it needs a comedian, if it’s loud it needs an active attentive listener. This could be why I’ve always felt like an outsider. I could never just be a guy in the room. I’m babbling on to say we all know this is probably the worst collective year in all our lives. There’s already enough misery in the world. What carries me on is knowing I can only control my attitude during these times. I choose positivity, love, and patience. The world has enough assholes already and even though I have asshole tendencies I am mostly good. I think.
Happy Friday June 26th 2020.
Currently watching Blue Valentine. It sucks any decent life left in tranquility . Anti marriage movies were all the youthful rage 2010 required. But the rage ten years later ten years wiser all the more destructive and aimless is apropos. July 4th is almost near . Queer how last year joy and fireworks converged at the corner of 164th and Jerome. Mullaly Park made happiness possible if only for an hour. Car parked at an illegal corner, no matter, no problems. Only love could entertain such color. Wild and possible. Loud and dangerous. Absorbing the tentacles of the light show. Who knows where all the fire goes after the slumber? Did Cupid take back the arrow? Is the light show to return? Or is this to remain somber a constant reminder of that which was lost? The day is a wonderful bother mired in sun frozen in white clouds shifting into hats, cities, and cats. Every shift is a fist on a mirror. Don’t look back! Every shatter makes it clearer!
I can hear it. Calling. The song in the movie where Ryan Gosling starts strumming the ukelele singing the mills brothers as Michelle Williams starts tap dancing, “you always hurt the ones you love, the ones you shouldn’t hurt at all, you always take the sweetest rose And crush it till the petals fall You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can’t recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It’s because I love you most of all”. I am such a successful sucker for regret. Pour me a cup of tea and let the bitterness flow and float like a baby. I just saw a kid not much older than 17 on a bike pedaling on with no hands on the wheel not caring at all. All too preoccupied with the phone call he’s on. As he’s going through my block running red lights I watch him. I heard him say “you know I always…” and his words drifted away with the heat on the concrete and the speed of his emotions. As he left the frame. I know what he wanted to say. The cracks in his voice gave a great speech about loneliness and loss aversion. It’s my favorite kind of speech. I hope you will be okay random kid.